lemme just say up front: fuck rob cohen. if i'd never seen this before, i wouldn't have started now. the innocent sheen of xxx's harmless action silliness is thoroughly fractured now. nevertheless, like scan lines and magnetic distortion on a vhs tape, or the crackle and hiss of vinyl, i believe that anything one can develop nostalgia for will be defined by its worst hallmarks. early y2k era action movies had an aggressively in-your-face penchant for insisting upon their own 'coolness'. heroes couldn't simply be cool, they had to prove it with every breath they took and every line of dialog spoken. that notion bled over into editing, action choreography, visual aesthetics, et al. if the movie wasn't constantly proving how hip and cool and edgy it was, it wasn't going to appeal to the teens™. xxx is the ultimate culmination of this style and vin diesel's xander cage is the poster boy for it. the movie thunders onto the screen, bluntly insisting that james bond is old hat- fancy rich people parties and shaken martinis aren't where it's at anymore. instead, rammstein concerts and extreme sports are what's "off the chain", as they say. it's up to genuine outlaw, xander cage, to save the world now. he fits in with all the the fast cars and faster women; foregoing the suit and tie for massive fur coats and motocross attire. there was room for a smarter, more timely movie here; room for xxx to lean into its concepts of a modern outlaw, about a character who has to risk his life to protect a society that he feels suffocated and alienated by. xander cage could've been a compelling character rather than just a cool action figure. whenever diesel gets to act off of samuel l. jackson- you can see a glimmer of pathos there, one that's quickly smothered under brainless spectacle, booming action scenes, and a deafeningly "edgy" soundtrack. and yet... it's bittersweet because i do love the silly, macho ridiculousness of the movie. it's an energetic actioner with the bombastic flair of a mtv music video, crossed with the eagerness of a toy commercial. you know- the stuff childhoods are made of. xxx is so eager to prove how rad and badass it is that it lacks the self-awareness to realize it's careening head first into self-parody. in a thuddingly simple way, i find that not just charming, but really endearing. i embrace this kind of craziness wholeheartedly. xxx is absurd, two-dimensional, and deliriously loud- cocksure of its own witty one-liners and 'epic' set pieces. whenever the movie works despite itself, it's thanks largely to vin diesel himself. he brings charisma and physicality to xander cage, a role that seems tailor made for his wry smirk and larger than life presence. he runs, leaps, flies and puns his way over the movie's shortcomings. after all... he lives for this shit.