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Let's just admit it. Deep inside? We all knew that this movie won't be any good. Every flag for a bad movie? This one had it. Every single one of them. Long before the release. The MCU is at the very tough spot at this point with no new direction to follow yet, having a backstory movie for Widow felt way too forced after the main story arc ended in Endgame, having the entire movie revolving around Scarlett Johansson, the actress with only one expression (Lucy, Avengers, Ghost in the Shell, find a bloody difference), didn't look promising at all, while... well... you know how it usually is about Russia. At some point some big movie franchise gets totally out of ideas, so, it decides to go to Russia and, well, dies there. Like everything else in this world. I'm not trying to say that there aren't any good movies about Russia, of course (quite the opposite, actually), but come on. After seeing so many awful movies of this kind? From Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, to A Good Day to Die Hard? Let's just say I expected the very worst from this one. It's like with all of those old musicians nobody cares about anymore. Nobody wants to hear your performance in the rest of the world? Go to Russia. They'll be glad to have at least somebody performing for them there. That's just how it works. You have absolutely no idea how to fill the gap between one MCU phase and another? Why, let's just give 'em that “evil Russians” bull. I knew it won't end well. I bloody knew it...
But guess what? I was wrong. Because this movie? It's even worse than I expected. Way, WAY worse. And it comes from a person who loved Captain Marvel and even enjoyed Venom quite a lot (here, said it). But this movie? Nope. Because first – it IS forced as heck, and second – the quality level here is really, REALLY low. I believe there was that awful Russian Avengers rip-off a few years back? Called Guardians or something like that (don't google it, you don't need THAT in your life)? Well, Black Widow is almost as bad. Still not EXACTLY as bad, but honestly, don't even think Avengers here. Think something more like The Wolverine (2013), or Dark Phoenix (2019). It's forced, the storyline barely exists and the entire thing is, like, a long (more than two hours) series of cringeworthy moments. Most of which feel painfully random. There's literally no proper development here. Things just... happen. Because they do. Action scene here, some family talks there... the script feels like it was done in one sit. By somebody who didn't even care. And don't even let me start with the humor. I mean, sure, it's hard to imagine the MCU without its humor, but what we have here? Let's just say that after this movie, The Last Jedi will look like a bloody masterpiece to you. Guess, we all had that guy at school. The one that didn't have any sense of humor at all but still tried to be funny all the time? Well, the man finally wrote his own script and sold it to Disney. Enjoy.
I really wonder what happened here. I mean, I can't even say that this movie is bad because of some certain thing that ruins everything. Like you know. The terrible humor that killed The Last Jedi. Here? It's just that. An overall quality. Or, to be precise, the complete lack of it. Watching the Black Widow? It's like buying one of those expensive action figures from eBay and ending up with Chinese knock-off because of the shady seller. You get your popcorn, you get your coke, you start with a lot of the expectations for something cool, expensive and inspiring (it's a modern comic-based movie we're talking about after all), but instead... you get a bunch of random cringeworthy moments (seriously, watching this movie is exactly as painful as watching the Police Academy 7) covered in some painfully generic action scenes (da heck with that obvious Arkham Knight rip-off anyway?) and cheap CGI. Because yes, even the visuals are surprisingly disappointing this time. Most of the time those will be just meh, but sometimes? Sometimes it'll be like a bloody Russian Cyberpunk Farm mockumentary from YouTube (google this one, the humor there is way better than what you'll find in Black Widow). Seriously guys, what... the heck?!!
So... yeah. Even if you already have the Premier Access subscription, let's just say that you can do way, WAY better than this nowadays. Seriously, with stuff like WandaVision and Loki? Why do we even have something this crappy for a big screen format? Like I said, I do love comics and usually, I don't have much problems even with some pretty poor adaptations. But this? This is just wrong. I know that in Russia they usually just steal the entire movie budget and then bribe the right people to pretend that the crap they're about to release is an AAA product that will make the country proud. But until today I didn't know that Russian traditions are contagious. In every single aspect Black Widow fails to deliver us our usual MCU experience and ends up feeling more like a Chinese knock-off. I give it ten Uwe Bolls out of ten and hope I'll never need to see it again. Dixi.
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